(note...this was written between my 9 and 11 o'clock classes this morning, so the side notes I include are actually things that I scribbled into this blurb...sort long though, if you wanna read it, go for it, otherwise, click back now, hehe)

     Absolute proof that my poor Ushi-brain has too much time on its hands...I just got off an elevator. I boarded it on the ground floor of the L & L building with 2 other people. Two of us were going to the 4th floor, one to the 3rd. But in the short ride up with these two girls, my brain went to work. They were both beautiful, so I naturally felt fat and ugly standing next to them. One girl had a flashy diamond ring on her finger, so I imagined that it was either an engagement ring or that she was newly-wed. She was twiddling it and smiling in that vague sort of way that love makes you do. When no matter what's going on in your mundane life, you can't help but be happy. Not that I'd know, lol... Immediately I imagined the type of guy she was probably with, such a sweet intelligent girl probably had a tall, beefy all-american guy with a heart of gold and an iron stomach. Then we hit the 3rd floor and she left the lift, all brown curls and perfect make-up. So I was jealous. I'm no where near that perfect. Fortunately I've got other qualities guys seem to like ;P hehe So, an older lady got on and up we went. The other girl from the ground floor was bitch. Her appearance and severe make-up suggested that to me anyway. Like a slim, short Rebekah D....not that Bekah is fat, just that this girl was a RAIL. Eerie. Anyway, I could see her life too, ficitious of course. Her pseudo- hard work in classes, her clique of equally bitches blond chicks, her on-again-off-again boyfriend...and I could go on.      And all of this went through my mind in the time it took to get from level 1 to level 4 with a brief stop at 3. Maybe its just the writer/observer in me, the bit that sees a past, present, and future for every character, no matter how minute a part they play, but I saw it. I guess I tend to fictionalize people in my life as well. Whatever I don't know or won't or can't ask, I make-up. Such as P*, from back in the day. I'd never bother to ask how his marriage was, but in my mind it was dull and loveless. Why else would he act as if he were interested in me? Because he is a bastard apparently. But that's beside the point. Boy, my stupid assumptions got me in trouble there. I hope the same sort of thing doesn't happen with my friend right now. I think that after that I so steeled myself against the possiblilty that anyone could ever really care or fall for me, that (ooh, beautiful singing by a Lit. proffessor up here on the 4th floor lobby!) I assume he (or anyone) can't, won't doesn't.... Lenora pointed it out to me last night, but I really already knew...that I so want to be loved like that...like she is by dozens of guys (hehe, j/k Leo! Luv ya) but I won't let anyone that close again. I mean, to have thought and told things to someone you'd have never admitted to anyone else, then...nothing. Ouch. Sometimes I think I'm stupid for thinking like I do about men. I'm only 20. I'm not asking for an all-encompassing eternal legendary love...(not that I'd turn it down mind you ;) hehe)...but just to have a relationship with someone for just a little while. Would be nice. Yup.
     Okay, now I'm getting all sad and I hate that. I also hate knuckle popping, people who snap their fingers at me, and...creative blocks. You know its weird. School seems to have an effect like that on me. I've been getting lots of great ideas since classes started. But also passion. No really. Whenever, in my past, I've been really passionate about something (or someone even if it was unreciprocated)...I write a lot and well.
     Wow. I'm alone up here now. Even the little cutie in the bad hat who was reading his math book is gone. Math in the L&L Building...Language and Literature that is...heh...
     Its strange to think that, say, everyone you pass on the freeway has a history, a future, a reason for going wherever they're going, a goal, problems, relationships, victories, failures, loves, losses...I think of weird things.
     Like anyone who has bothered to read this far into my webpage wouldn't know that. Its not exactly a well-guarded secret. I've been having some great ideas lately, maybe my strength of writing is returning. I really feel the end of TED coming shortly and its sad but exciting. Oh GAWD! I just realized that its been over 2 YEARS of my life, nearly 3 since I conceived it. How its changed since those very first drafts. Hopefully for the better. I really adore some of my characters. I wish the readers could know them as well as I do ;) hehe Like Grace and Ro...and Saul, I really liked him....and Summit of Novah, she's a strong woman (though not from TED).
     A strong woman. My mother. I have such love and respect for her, admiration, veneration...The things she's endured and moved beyond. And I swear she keeps getting more beautiful (damn it, why didn't I get those genes?! hehe). She manages to smile and look forward, never using her past for sympthay or as a crutch. Like some people I know who have to dwell, rehash, and etc. over things that happened long long long ago. She's buried two husbands, a young son, her mother when she was 8, endured the epitomy of evil step mothers...I mean...but none of that matters to her today. She's got her two daughters...one who is achieving independace (finally), making pretty decent money, turning her teenage years into an adult life. And then there's me. lol. I was always the independant one, wouldn't ask for a cent unless it was necessary. Now? Living at home, going to school (and loving it though!). I think she and dad raised us well. Maybe we never got to Disneyland, but at least we always had paper napkins and towels (LOL! Inside joke! hehheh)
     Sorry. Ugh. History class starts in a few minutes. I should stop writing and let my hand rest for note taking. But Mr. Duck- er...Newbill is crazy (in a good way), so maybe nothing today will really be worth writing down.
     Oh, I'm afraid Adrian will get my letter and LAUGH...heh... He knew it was cow stationary (oh hey, its Dr. Culjak that I always see in the morning, that blond lady...I should try to take a class from her...note to self :P)... Did I mention it to him or is he psychic? Maybe I'm just THAT predictable, hehe. Entirely possible. =-) So what if I love stuffed cows? O'well...and cartoons and anime and manga and comic books and stuff... Fortunately I was 13 going on like...35...so even though I've got childish interests, I'm waaaay too mature for my own good.