(note...Apologies to Adrian...who I did {thank the High One} misjudge. I'm leaving this updated version up...um...because I feel like I should. It is a milestone to me in my understanding of people. Especially people who I really care about but don't know how to tell them how I feel without sounding all desperate and clingy because I can stand alone and I like to...but sometimes...*sighs* Anyway...so in retrospect, I should have reworded much of this, but I didn't.)

     Okay...so I decided against posting my last rant. But that's because I second guess myself ALL the time. So...I underestimate people, like Adrian. Maybe. I mean, for no apparent reason I just read some of our history on ICQ...and I swear its so weird. Sex...that's all. From the beginning, and somehow I let myself (again) mistake the attention for more than just sex. Why is that such a terrible thought to me? Because I see him as more than just a dick? Do I? Yes. And apparently, if all he sees is sex...then is he just pressing my buttons? Telling me what I want/need to hear? If so, why is it that every guy I meet seems to want nothing more than that..."feigned" interest. Like P*...definately. Ed. Ron...and even Anthony... Its HORRIBLE to think that guys just want my fat ass...for sex :P LOL its absurd. hehehehheheeh My ass not my mind. As far as I'm concerned, that's the best, most appealing thing I have to offer. I always thought so anyway, hehe....
     I'm so stupid. hehe What if he does actually like me? Then again, if I'm just a quick screw in WA state, "drop by" while he's outthis way at a seminar? Like I'm a cheap fly-by? Should that bother me or not? Damn it. I so hope I'm wrong. Because I really like him :/ I mean, really. Would it be so hard for some guy to say..."I like you Josie, and even though I've never been into Fat chicks, I wanna be with you." Instead of "Gee Josie, you're dull and retarded but I've got a fetish for fat redheads?" ...grr...hehe... I mean...Ed and his old big GF....and P* and his chubby coke can chick...and so on :P So why. I'm funny, or so I've been told...I'm intelligent...right? Paranoid and weird, yeah...but I like me! hehe So there! Someone will eventually come around. It happens to other girls. I think I'm just a little crazy right now with Leo and DJ mushing all around me :P It'll be even worse once he's here though.
     O'well. This is crazy anyway. I should be listening to Prof. Johnson...Matza...social deterrance theories...delinquents... :P Excuses...yada yada yada.... I wish I were still in Japanese. Nelson-sensei, hehe...he's just a great teacher. Enthusiastic and...down to earth. He's got these great tangents too. I love listening to people who are intelligent, intellectual...forward thinking. But real people, not boring "I'm so wonderful and genius" like some profs I've had. Blaming WWII on the Copula... And philosophically, it makes sense...no really. The verb "to be", which is the copula...without is, the sense of self and such is lost. Can't say I am, they are, you are, it is... If the Nazi's couldn't say "Jews are wrong and evil"; if the US troops couldn't say "the Japanese are vermins" or "Nazis are animals and monsters"...why would they have fought at all? They wouldn't have. If you really consider it (especially the way he said it) it makes sense.... I wish I could explain it better. O'well.
     One day I suppose I'll meet someone...like Tim, my darling HP...who loves me because I'm me. He's not hanging around to use me for sex (maybe my cd-burner, but definately NOT for sex, hehe)...he genuinely likes being around me! Mostly... :P lol. I'm such a dork! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Going away now. Bye!

     Ionar strode to the head of the table, ignoring the glares from his council. He took a deep breath and beckoned....